I have never been one that uses the internet to explain what is going on with me, my body is different than everyone else’s on this planet and so is yours. But after my surgery I searched the internet high and low for blogs, information, stories, etc. I wanted to find something that connected my experience so I wouldn’t feel crazy. I found a few things here and there but the world of ectopic seemed to be very quiet. It’s a weird topic, you aren’t at the point in your pregnancy where the whole world knows but yet, you have truly connected to the little being that is forming inside of you. A lot of women don’t talk about it because they don’t know where to go with it so I want to write something that hopefully can help the next person who searches high and low wondering if her emotions and pains are ok…and maybe bring a couple of laughs and comfort to her day.
- Whether you knew for weeks you were pregnant or you were first learning about your pregnancy the day of your surgery, it is ok to mourn the loss of your baby.
Many of us feel shame in knowing a lot of other women experienced loss at a much further point in their pregnancy. The reality is this: we were pregnant we had a miracle forming inside of us and we were to be their caretaker until the day the earth stood still. Don’t feel bad for feeling sad, hurt, or lost without your baby. Acknowledge the pain and work through it.
2. If you went through surgery, take your time and listen to your body.
Take this opportunity while you are healing from being cut open as a chance to learn about your body. Your doctor might say it takes a week but maybe you need two or three. Most likely your doctor will trust what you are feeling. If you are able to try for another baby you will want your body to have properly healed so you don’t risk dealing with this again. You are forced to slow down and recover, you physically can’t do much, use this as a chance to strengthen your mind and soul.
3. If you lost a tube or any other organs, mourn that loss too.
It is a SHOCKER to walk into your doctor’s office and then hours later wake up from surgery to learn that you lost a baby AND a body part…a body part that gives you the ultimate power to grow and create a human. It’s weird, odd, and for some reason very violating. You are kind of like an amputee that no one can see. I suggest spending hours googling what the heck it all looks like and then eventually change your expectations for what your inner lady parts look like now.
4. Don’t worry about feeling crazy when you want to talk to your baby.
Yes, this sounds insane but you will have moments when you want to connect and talk to your baby. He/she was just inside of you and developing to become another person in this world. They are not gone forever but just part of your life in a different way. A piece of you will always be with them and taking a moment to talk to them will connect you. How and where you choose to do this is purely up to you…
5. You will be tired, even after your doctor tells you its ok to go climb Mt. Everest.
You just went through a trauma that was followed by a rushed surgery and the loss of a lot of blood. You will get to the point where you can’t do any damage to your insides but just know that it will take a while before your gas tank feels full again. Running three miles the day after your doctor clears you might put you in a deep sleep for 10-12 hours followed by a minor head cold. I might be guilty of this…maybe.
6. As cheesy as it sounds, something good will come out of this and find the strength in that.
This is easier said than done and I still don’t know what the “good” is in my experience yet but taking the pain and turning it into strength has been monumental. I acknowledge my feelings but work to use the energy that pain requires as a tool to bring power and change to the world surrounding me. One day this will turn into some ‘good’ and the right things will happen for my life to be whole again. If all of us who experience this can attempt this even just one day a week the world will be full of a lot more empathy and strength.
7. Some days you will not be able to be super woman and it’s ok.
As conflicting as this is to number six this is probably the most important piece of advice I have gotten. Strive to use your pain as a tool to bring out something positive but also know that some days you simply just need to be sad. You can’t put it all into words but feel the sadness, go with it, process it, and take that day to go through your motions of healing. You can put on your Superwoman cape tomorrow and change the world then.
8. Not everyone will understand or know how to bring it up and that is ok, I guess…
People will not know how to ask or talk to you about this. You will want to lunge at some people after they say something dumb that hurts more than helps. There will be others who just don’t say a thing because it confuses the crap out of them. You wish you knew how to explain it to these people and that they could fully understand. It can feel isolating but the only way they can truly know how to relate and help is if they have been there and you sure as heck don’t wish that on anyone.
You will heal differently than me and all of the other women and families who experience this. Take your time and don’t be ashamed of your pain or emotions. The world of baby loss is not a competition; we are all in this together.
I also pray that your doctor is half as good as mine because that can make all of the difference in your experience…